When It All Comes to an End, What Do You Do?
It's not really the end but I'm in my last few weeks of undergrad and like any other art major, I'm freaking out a little.
Since I was young, I have always told myself that I don’t think I’d mind being a starving artist. I’ve pondered over it very briefly, a life of frugality where the only expensive thing I’d be buying is sheets of rives b.f.k, and the only can of ink I’d barely be able to afford is a nice black oil-based ink off of Amazon. I might be able to do better than Amazon Ink but you get the point.
I tell myself I would be okay living that kind of life, with a slice of bread, eggs, yogurt, and water for every meal of the day. Maybe, I could. How much more different would it be than the life of a college student? I’m already eating an ungodly amount of eggs, rice, and sardines (not that any amount of eggs, rice, and sardines would ever be ungodly to me.) So, I could do it. I could give up the extra snacks, the t-shirt I don’t need, the 8 shades of red lip tint, anything to be happy. I say this, yet, the future never fails to be scary. No matter how many reassurances I give myself I can’t quite shake the nerves that my art career will never take off, that my skill set will remain small and under-grown, and that my reluctance to speak to people first will hold me back from the kind of connections, conversations, and opportunities required even to get your name out there.
Let’s see, I looked at my CV. It’s the first CV I’ve ever made and the only reason I sat down seriously to write it is because it was required for an assignment for my senior studio. Don’t get me wrong, I would have to create one at some point but I have hesitated before for a reasonable reason. I haven’t done much in my art career. I can’t help but feel behind when I see my peers on their 10th gallery show, group or solo, or a link to a published article interviewing them. I don’t feel jealous because it’s beautiful to see people I admire and people I care about get the same opportunities I seek, it’s like confirmation that I can get there too. To see others do those things serves as motivation if anything. So I’ll never be negatively jealous if anything, It makes me feel how alive the art community is. As much as I don’t feel jealous or ill feelings towards other artists in my same range, boy do I feel behind.
I know it’s because I could be there too. The issue lies within myself and my current inability to get myself to move! To take any action, it’s not just the “crippling sadness” but a genuine laziness that has started to build and creep out. Not to mention, I’m quite broke if I do say so myself. I would have to be okay with spending my last $20 to $40 on an application I’m not guaranteed to get and I’d have to have enough pieces for a show. It’s not about the $40, it’s about me. It’s (hopefully) not about me in a selfish way, but it’s certainly about me. I want to blame how I grew up for my connection with money and my opposition to hard work ethic. That’s a separate topic so I’m not delving into it but blaming something doesn’t change it. My conclusion for this is to work hard, to change how I think, and to work towards it at my own pace while also having a little urgency at the very least.
My latest obsession is getting a residency. The most I’ve done is a little research on what they are, how I’d get one, where I could go blah blah blah. I haven’t applied to anything. Partially, because I’m scared. I like to think I have things together but my mom is always right when she’s asking questions and I’ll figure it out is not always the answer. The other half of it is that after being asked a bunch of times what I’ll do after school and those who specify “What will you do with that kind of degree,” when asking me that, I want to rest for at least half a year. Just 6 months to a year of working a regular job (I’m hoping for the library or anything related to books, maybe a cafe). 6 months to a year of building up my Instagram while experimenting with random art materials, practicing my craft, finally indulging in my hobbies a little, eating well, working out, sleeping, maybe. I think then I’ll be able to look at what I want to do, go back to school probably, and look for a studio that will have me. Something in me feels like part of that could be fulfilled by a residence. Truthfully, it feels a little dreamy, should I blame my zodiac sign for that? I’m sure it’ll be hard because creating art can be hard, being true to myself, and saying what I want to say can be hard but I think the change in atmosphere, and the opportunity to make will do a lot of good. 6 months to a year and I might be set, ready for the world even, even then I’m still scared. It comes down to that right? I’m nervous about the life I might have to live.
Despite this, I might have fallen in love. In love with the splinters from carving wood in the wrong direction, the smudges on my litho stone from my oily fingers, or the fact that it takes me a billion years to etch my stone, in love with the misregistration of the layer I thought wasn’t as important but has a lot of influence on the piece or the way I accidentally rubbed off the background to my charcoal piece because I don’t have money for a fixative right now. I’ve always been the type to hold on to every little piece that becomes me, I still can grow but I never forget the hobbies I picked up, the band I listened to every day, when I was (and still am) obsessed with anything matcha. I never forget that I’ve always loved to draw. Even if I am eating vending machine honey buns, drinking instant mixed coffee, and an unspeakable amount of Monster energy drinks I would pick up my beloved wood carving tool every chance I’m given. I would work the library job to create my next “masterpiece” and when asked what I do for work, I’d certainly answer when asked, “I’m an artist.”
There will be plenty of people who will still ask me what I’m going to do, and how I’m going to live, and to this I admit, I’m still incredibly nervous and I don’t think that will change but I want to have hope that I can be somebody to someone. My art will transcend many barriers or maybe find a comfortable niche home. I’ll have to hope until there’s no hope left to have.
I hope that it could be some comfort to you, if you’re doing something you’re unsure about or something the world has always told you wouldn’t make you money it’s fine even if it doesn’t because you’ll be okay. You will make money! You will live and you’ll enjoy life doing what you love to do. Because where there’s a will there’s a way.